Category Archives: Posts

Tossing in the Red Flag

By Rev. Lynn Cairns

By the time you read this, Super Bowl LIV will be history and San Francisco or Kansas City will be flying high.  I can hardly believe the changes that have occurred in the sport in my lifetime.  For an interesting look at the past, Google “pictures of President Gerald Ford in a football uniform.”  How did they survive in those helmets, which were mostly leather material, and with no face masks for protection?  However, uniforms are not the only changes.  Many new rules have been introduced to protect the players, and particularly quarterbacks, from aggressive hits from opponents.

Most interesting to me are the new uses of technology to review plays and calls by the referees.  All scoring plays can be reviewed.  Just because the referee blows the whistle and makes a call, doesn’t mean it is final.  Controversial calls by the referees can be challenged by the head coach.  Each coach has two challenges per game, and a challenge to the referee’s call can be initiated by tossing in the red flag from the sidelines. The play is then reviewed by an “impartial team in New York” and then a final decision is relayed back to the officials on the field. Overturning these calls in the final stages of the game can potentially change the outcome of the final score.

We as human beings in the “contact sport of life” often get into arguments and disputes about how others are “playing the game” of life with us. One of our teammates may blow the “referee’s whistle” on us, claiming a violation of expected conduct.  Unfortunately, we do not have the availability of instant replay to review those controversial encounters, but we can “toss in the red flag” to have those disputes mediated by Mediation Services of Adams County (MSAC).

In football, both sides agree to abide by the rules and outcome of video review of the play. In mediation, both sides agree to sit down with a trained professional mediator to review the disagreement, discuss it and work toward a mutually agreed upon resolution.  This approach is most often more efficient in terms of time and money.  In addition, such solutions can leave the disputants agreeably disposed toward one another as opposed to a long, drawn-out court fight.

Mediation Services of Adams County has well trained and certified volunteer mediators ready, willing and able to provide the conflict resolution services that enable participants to get on with the game of life.

MSAC will be hosting a 22-hour training event, March 13-14 and 20-21, for individuals who would like to be introduced to conflict resolution skills that can be used in life situations. Non-profit organizations and human-service agencies should also consider the benefits of having at least one mediation-trained staff member on board.

If you hear the whistle of a presumed violation in the commerce of life, and If you would like to toss in the mediation flag for resolution of a conflict, or be trained in mediation skills, contact us at 717-334-7312 or find out more by visiting the MSAC website:


By Jan Powers

Every year, Mediation Services of Adams County offers training in conflict resolution skills.  Many people take the workshop because they want to use those skills in a workplace setting. But what do they learn in that workshop that makes it so important for their daily lives?

To begin with, the first third of the workshop is concerned solely with communication.  Why is communication so crucial to conflict resolution? It may be a no-brainer, but learning how to listen and respond is much harder than it sounds.  For starters, we don’t interrupt or even tolerate interruption by the other party. We learn to pay attention to body language and tone of voice, but we also practice listening with appreciative responses: in a way that will encourage others to feel comfortable talking about their problems. Or if a person is angry, we learn how to create calm and elicit a more thoughtful approach.

Mediators need to use these techniques with two different individuals (or more, if it’s a multi-party situation) at the same time. One party may be close-mouthed, while the other is sucking up all the air in the room. A mediator must encourage both individuals to feel they are presenting themselves in their best light. Sometimes that means asking key questions.  Other times, it means reassuring each individual that he or she is being helpful or generous in sharing information.

Mediators learn to deal with all kinds of personalities: the talkative one, the bully, the shy person, the storyteller, the attention-getter, the oddball, the shark, the jokester or the know-it-all.  They learn ways of de-fusing difficult situations if emotions get out of hand. Identifying key issues behind a lot of words and bluster is also a skill that mediators learn. Helping disputants to recognize common ground is one of the most important aspects of conflict resolution.

These skills are really essential for everyone, although most of us have not mastered them. Anyone who  facilitates meetings where varied opinions emerge will benefit from learning mediation skills. Teachers and professors who deal with a spectrum of classroom personalities could learn a lot from mediation training. Those workplace skills are beneficial to human resource personnel but also for anyone who deals with job issues.  We haven’t even mentioned families, but all of us face difficult situations daily and at the holiday dinner table, especially in the last few years.

In December, I twice used my mediations skills in organizational settings when holiday stress and misunderstanding brought on threats of resignation. In one case, an apology and asking everyone to think things through brought us out happily on the other side. In the other, the situation was resolved by coming up with a third option that appealed to everyone.

Stay tuned for further announcement of a spring mediation training that will put these skills in your hands. In the meantime, if you have a conflict and need help in resolving it, call our MSAC help line at 717-334-7312.  We also offer Conflict Coaching if you find yourself in a difficult organizational bind.


By Mary Kay Turner

Thanksgiving and Christmas seasons are wonderful and busy times for most people.  There are many tasks to accomplish and lots of expectations, so it can also be a very stressful time.  What can we do to reduce the stress in our lives during this time?  Effective communication can help.

Two attitudes that are essential in good communication are respect for other people and interest in what they have to say.  The best way to show love and respect is by listening so you understand what another person is saying and asking for clarification to be sure you understand. Sometimes people are so focused on what they are doing that they don’t see what is happening in the life of a spouse, family member, or friend.  It can even happen that someone takes family members “for granted” and treats them with less respect than would be given to someone not as close.  Remember that it is always best to treat all people, especially those closest to you, the way you like to be treated.

If you are feeling stressed, it is important for you to tell your family members that you are feeling stressed and can use some help.  It is good to ask for help with specific tasks.  At Thanksgiving I was enjoying visiting with my adult children and wasn’t getting food prepared on schedule.  I had mixed and kneaded bread dough so I showed my daughter and son how I shape rolls and asked them to do it.  They worked together and put them in the pan ready to rise.  They also peeled and cut the potatoes and put them into the pan to boil.  I washed the sweet potatoes and my daughter cut them to be roasted.  By working together we got dinner ready by the time our guests arrived.

If you are on track with your preparations and see that a family member or friend is stressed, you might ask how you can help.  Some people are reluctant to ask for help and might be grateful for your offer.  Of course, some people prefer to do things their own way, so it is good to respect that.

It is easy to see that there is a lot of polarization in the US. That polarization can even be evident in work places, neighborhoods, and families.  A retired psychologist wrote Dear Annie and said that he often recommended that patients speak the phrase, “You could be right.  I’ll have to think about it.” to avoid endless arguments and putdowns.  It takes some courage to say it, but this comment tends to stop the argument in its tracks.  It can even lead to dialogue.  The person who says it can continue to think and do what s/he actually thinks is best.

Plan well, breathe, get enough sleep, and take care of yourself so you stay well and have the energy to have a wonderful loving celebration.


By Janet McNeal

A few weeks ago I noticed an advertisement declaring ‘Only 71 days ‘til Christmas’.  I was absolutely baffled that someone had already begun that iconic countdown.  Summer was barely over, the leaves were just beginning to turn autumn colors, and I was still mildly surprised when I was spotting school buses on the roadways.  Where did the summer go?

Yet here we are with the “holiday season” almost upon us.  This is a fast paced world with lots of pressures and stress in our everyday life.  Now we are running full speed into the holiday season.  Halloween is behind us, Thanksgiving is only two weeks away and before you know it, it will be Christmas.

I am not a big fan of Halloween.  But I do love autumn and especially Thanksgiving.  I love the pumpkin spice products that pop up on the menus at every eatery and grace the shelves in grocery stores.  I love cold apple cider on warm days and hot mulled cider on cool nights.  I love a turkey dinner with savory dressing, cranberry sauce and of course, pie for dessert.

I love everything about autumn, even the particular shade of blue of the autumn sky and the crispness of the air.  I moved away from Adams County a few years ago but still return to visit friends and harvest Adams County apples, the best apples in the country.

After I am done picking apples, I like to stroll through the orchards to enjoy the peace, tranquility and beauty of the hillsides, and breathe in the smells of the season.  For a brief time I leave behind all the troubles, conflicts, worries and strife of everyday life.  I am thankful to have such a blessed life.

But life isn’t like that for everyone.  In fact, it wasn’t always like that for me.  Like many others, my friends and family struggled through financial loss, divorce, cancer, the death of loved ones, and bitter, angry disputes that wound so deeply they take years to heal, if they ever do heal.

In this Thanksgiving season, I want to take this opportunity to thank everyone who visited our table at “The Giving Spree” and donated so generously to Mediation Services of Adams County. Your financial support helps us to continue serving the citizens of Adams County with affordable mediations, and conflict resolution services and training.  Thank you for your contribution.

Are you, your friends or your family struggling with a situation or conflict that seems hopelessly deadlocked in bitter disputes?  Do you dread going to holiday gatherings that too often end in angry words and hurt feelings?  Mediation Services of Adams County (MSAC) has trained mediators available to help you work through strained family relationships, neighbor disputes, or other conflicts. To contact MSAC, call 717-334-7312, email, or go to our website, to learn more about our mediations for economical fees based on income, or to schedule a mediation.


By Mary Kay Turner

Mediation is a structured process in which people involved in difficult conflicts meet with trained mediators to help them communicate better and solve their issues.  The trained objective mediators work with them to resolve a conflict that they are unable to settle on their own.

Mediation Services of Adams County (MSAC) provides mediation to help people work together to create solutions to their conflicts. Two weeks after a mediation one of the disputants told us, “We have started to communicate better and are currently talking. We appreciate your help for getting us on the same page.”

In a mediation, the disputants first sign an agreement to mediate, respecting all the people there and the mediation process. The mediators listen and guide the discussion as each person listens to the other person’s story of the situation and tells a personal perspective of the conflict without interruption.  The mediators help the people in conflict to hear each other, understand how the problem affects the other person, sort out the issues, and build a resolution that allows them to move forward and communicate positively with each other.

They work together toward a common goal, such as providing support for children or an elderly parent.  The mediators guide the disputants to discover the interests that are most important to each of them and let go of positions they have developed as they have argued about the situation.  Each person shares ideas that would help resolve the conflict and what is needed to move forward.  The disputants brainstorm possible solutions and talk about likely consequences.  With guidance from the mediators they work to create an action plan that fills the needs of all the people involved as much as possible.  The disputants resolve their problem in a way that works for them.

MSAC also schedules trainings to educate people and certify them as mediators.  Recently we received this message from a mediator we trained two years ago, then from north central PA:

“I still use my mediation skills from the Adams County Mediation Center today! I am now Executive Director of the Fair Housing Center of Washington (in WA state) and use my skills to help clients obtain reasonable accommodations with their landlord/property management. I’ve been able to impart some of the key questions we learned about position vs. interests on our employees which has increased our effectiveness in advocating on behalf of clients, presenting case findings with less bias and getting more useful information when investigating cases of potential discrimination in housing. We have a local mediation non-profit around here, and I’ve already begun looking into training for our employees because I found the Adams County class so useful.” 

It is exciting to see some of the impact that MSAC is having as mediators continue to use the concepts they learned in our training.


By Gregory Rapp

People are angry these days. Have you noticed? We will yell, scream, and throw punches over anything. Everyone seems spoiling for a fight and one can break out anytime, anywhere. We disagree, argue, and choose sides. We blame and punish. We care more about being right and beating the other side than we do working together solve the problem at hand.

Anger is a natural response we’ve developed to respond quickly to threats. A bear jumps out in front of us and our brain instantly dumps adrenaline and cortisol into our bloodstream. The adrenaline revs the engine, increasing heart rate, deepening breathing, and releasing blood sugar into the bloodstream so our muscles will be able to fight or take flight. The cortisol shuts off the rational thinking part of our brains because thinking takes too much time when faced with a hungry bear. It also shuts off our empathy and compassion making it easier to wound and kill if necessary, without feeling bad about it. It’s all about survival and self-defense in the wild, but in the relative safety of our modern lives this response is overkill, especially when it comes to a squabble over a parking space.

Anger is a feeling of hostility toward another person or situation that, if allowed to run its course, will end in violence. It is very difficult to “just calm down” because there is a very real cocktail of drugs coursing through our bloodstream that turns off the rational thinking part of the brain and we will not cool off until these substances are out of the bloodstream. It is no different than taking a powerful sleeping pill then changing our minds about wanting a nap. The sedative is already in our bloodstream, so a nap is happening. When angry, we are no longer “in our right minds.” We are literally under the influence of mind-altering substances, so our perceptions and decisions made while angry are unreliable. When two people are angry with each other and processing the situation under the influence of these hormone induced delusions, it sets off a series of dominoes escalating the conflict toward violence. We do not drive while under the influence. We take a cab. Someone else can help us get home safely. We should not make important decisions while under the influence, either. Sometimes, we could use some help working through our disagreements and problems because the anger is getting us in trouble.

Mediation Services of Adams County (MSAC) has trained mediators available to help you work through strained family relationships, neighbor disputes, or other conflicts for an economical fee based on income.  If you would like more information about Mediation, please contact Mediation Services of Adams County, 717-334-7312, P.O. Box 4113, Gettysburg, PA 17325, online at , or check out our website,


By Mary Kay Turner

For hundreds of years February has been known for Valentine’s Day on the 14th. February is now also celebrated as Black History Month and Heart Health Month in addition to other designations. For all of these causes, good communication is essential.

A great gift to give to your spouse, children, parents, partner, siblings, coworkers, and friends is to listen. Listening is in the same category as hugs and smiles, as it requires time but no money to give it. A hug is a great gift–one size fits all, and it’s easy to exchange. Mother Teresa said, “We shall never know all the good that a simple smile can do.” Usually a smile stirs a smile in return and can create a long chain of smiles. Smiles are also helpful in facilitating communication, encouraging the other person to share thoughts.

Paul Tillich said, “The first duty of love is to listen.” Listening is the most important element in communication. Even in families that are functioning well there can sometimes be challenges in communication. It is important to hear every word that is said; for example, missing a “not” gives the opposite meaning to a sentence.

The biggest problem in communication is we don’t listen to understand, we listen to reply. Listen first, understand second, then reply, if you must.” –Charles B. Lamb

Often people think about what they want to say while another person is speaking. Instead we need to listen carefully to what is being said.

You can use active listening techniques to be sure you understand what someone said.. To paraphrase you restate what you heard; you might say, “I heard you say….” Another technique is to empathize or check feelings. You could simply say, “You seem to be feeling….” Usually a person would correct you if you didn’t get it right.

Karl Menninger, of the Menninger family who founded the Menninger Clinic in Kansas, said, “Listening is a magnetic and strange thing, a creative force. The friends who listen to us are the ones we move toward, and we want to sit in their radius. When we are listened to, it creates us, makes us unfold and expand.You can check this out by thinking about the people whose company you enjoy. Are they good listeners?

We hope that you will give your loved ones, colleagues, and coworkers the gift of listening this month and make listening a habit. in your interactions. This should improve your communication and help improve your life, especially if you listen and speak with a smile.

Watch for more information about Spring Mediation Training with Mediation Services of Adams County. It will be held Fri.-Sat., April 26-27 and May 3-4, Fridays 5-9, and Saturdays 9-5. The cost for the 22-hour training is $275 per person ($250 for early birds, with payment by April 5, 2019). The registration deadline is April 20, 2019. For more information, call 717-334-7312, or email You can also learn more about mediation or schedule a mediation for help in resolving conflicts with family members, neighbors, contractors, landlords, etc. Fees are economical, based on income.


By Mary Kay Turner

A month into 2019, how is your year going? Are you communicating well with your spouse, your children, your parents, siblings, neighbors, and coworkers?

Sometimes we need help to find the best way to communicate with our families. Leslie Means, writing on, suggests some questions to ask children that are likely to get better answers than “How was your day?” Specific questions usually bring better responses. She started with 4 questions: “What is your favorite part of your day?”, “What is your least favorite part of your day?”, “What questions do you have about today?”, “How did you show kindness or love today?” One can share expectations and help guide a child’s focus by asking the right questions in the right way.

She elicited questions from readers, expanded her list, and added questions to communicate better with spouses. These could be adapted for speaking with parents, siblings, and friends. Here are some examples: “What made you smile today?”, “Tell me 2 things you learned today,” “What are you looking forward to tomorrow?,” “If you could teach/choose the project tomorrow, what would you do?”

To improve your communication, you could attend the 2019 Mediation Services of Adams County Mediation Training, on April 26–27 and May 3–4. For more information about the times, location, and costs, click hereThe mediation training is a 22-hour workshop using recommendations by the Pennsylvania Council of Mediators Standards for Mediator Credentialing. Topics covered include conflict styles, active listening skills, information gathering, communication skills, problem solving, decision making, and agreement formalization. Professionally trained and certified mediators from Mediation Services of Adams County will conduct all training sessions.

For more information, call 717-334-7312 and leave a message if you get voicemail. Or e-mail Registration forms are also available at the Adams County Library, the YWCA and this website. Click here for online registration or here for a printable form. 


By Mary Kay Turner

Conflict is a fact of life for everyone. We find conflicts in our homes, in our jobs, in our communities, in the places we worship, and even in volunteering to help other people. Sometimes it seems that we are minding our own business, and conflict finds us.

Often conflict is a result of too many people wanting limited resources. Or conflict may happen as a result of misunderstanding or miscommunication. Even when we speak the same language, I might have a different understanding of a word someone says to me. When I speak, another person hearing the words I say might find them offensive though I think they are innocent. With all the possibilities of problems in communicating, it seems amazing that we communicate as well as we do. It is always important to speak respectfully to people and check that we understand each other.

When a conflict between two people escalates to the point that they find it difficult to talk with each other civilly, there are options. In some cases they can avoid dealing with the conflict by avoiding each other, or they can communicate through other people. If they have to work with each other, they can consult lawyers for a considerable fee, or they can contact Mediation Services of Adams County (MSAC) or another group that provides mediation.

There are a number of advantages to using mediation to resolve conflicts. With MSAC, one big advantage is the price. The fees are set up on a sliding scale based on the annual income for each person for each 2-3-hour session (up to $15,000—$10.00 fee;
$15,001 to $30,000—$20.00 fee; $30,001 to $50,000—$40.00 fee; more than $50,000—$60.00 fee). A client once reported paying a lot of money to a lawyer without making any progress and then getting more done to resolve the conflict with mediation at a much lower cost.

Another big advantage is that in mediation we work together on solving the problem, not attacking each other, but always speaking respectfully to and about everyone in the room. We model and teach listening, clarifying, restating, and other communication skills. We work to preserve the relationship, which is especially important in family and work conflicts where life is much better for everyone involved when they continue to relate positively with each other. Recently a client said, “We have started to communicate better and are currently talking. We appreciate your help for getting us on the same page.”

A third advantage is that the people in conflict resolve the situation in ways that work best for them rather than someone else determining the resolution for them. Also, MSAC works with clients to schedule mediations at times convenient for them, including evening and weekend times.

Knowing that conflict is a normal and natural part of our lives, it makes sense to find a way to grow and learn as we work to improve our lives and our relationships while we resolve our conflicts.

To contact MSAC, call 717-334-7312, email, or check out our website to learn more about mediation or to schedule a mediation for help resolving conflicts with family members, neighbors, contractors, landlords, etc. for an economical fee based on income.


By Mary Kay Turner

It is best to start getting children back into school schedule mode a month before school starts, but it can still be done now.  The National Sleep Foundation recommends the following amount of sleep each night by age group:  Toddlers (age 1–2 )— 11-14 hours;  Preschoolers (3–5)—10-13 hours; School age children (6–13)—9-11 hours;  Teenagers (14–17)—8–10 hours; Adults (18–64)—7-9 hours.

In 2018 another concern for parents is screen time— time spent in front of any screen from phone to big screen TV—especially entertainment.  The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) has made recommendations for this; for children up to 18 months old— only parent-approved video-chatting, possibly adding high quality programming for children 18–24 months old, watching with parents to explain what they’re seeing. For age 2–5, limit screen use to 1 hour per day of high-quality programs, parents viewing with their children and talking with them to help them understand what they are seeing.  For children ages 6 and older, place consistent limits on types of media and time spent on each type. It is very important to make sure that screen time does not take the place of adequate sleep, physical activity, face-to-face interaction, healthy meals and snacks, and other behaviors essential to good health.  

AAP recommends designated media-free family times, such as dinner, and media-free locations at home, such as bedrooms.  Parents must monitor children’s online behavior, and it is important to talk with children about online safety and treating all people with respect online and in person. 

Lauren Hale. a sleep researcher at Stony Brook University in New York, sums up her findings from over a decade of research: “As kids and adults watch or use screens, with light shining in their eyes and close to their faces, bedtime gets delayed. It takes longer to fall asleep, sleep quality is reduced and total sleep time is decreased.”   She learned that this happens especially to people who look at screens in the hour before going to sleep because of the effects of the light from the screens on brains.  She recommends and strictly enforces two rules for her two children: No screens in the hour before bed, no screens in the bedroom and no screens as part of the bedtime routine. 

It is important for parents to be parents and to make decisions for nurturing the health and safety of their children.  Parents set the limits that are important for their children’s well-being, listen to what their children say about their needs, and together set up rules that help children stay safe and alert.  Parents may need to help their children decide what is most important and choose priorities, so they can fit activities they like into their schedules. 

Mediation Services of Adams County (MSAC) Fall Mediation Training is coming November 9, 10, 16, 17!  To get more information contact MSAC:  call 717-334-7312, email, or visit our website:  Learn about our economical fees based on income or schedule a mediation for help creatively resolving conflicts with family members, neighbors, landlords, etc.