Category Archives: Posts

GETTING YOUR FAMILY INTO SCHOOL ROUTINE

By Mary Kay Turner

It is best to start getting children back into school schedule mode a month before school starts, but it can still be done now.  The National Sleep Foundation recommends the following amount of sleep each night by age group:  Toddlers (age 1–2 )— 11-14 hours;  Preschoolers (3–5)—10-13 hours; School age children (6–13)—9-11 hours;  Teenagers (14–17)—8–10 hours; Adults (18–64)—7-9 hours.

In 2018 another concern for parents is screen time— time spent in front of any screen from phone to big screen TV—especially entertainment.  The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) has made recommendations for this; for children up to 18 months old— only parent-approved video-chatting, possibly adding high quality programming for children 18–24 months old, watching with parents to explain what they’re seeing. For age 2–5, limit screen use to 1 hour per day of high-quality programs, parents viewing with their children and talking with them to help them understand what they are seeing.  For children ages 6 and older, place consistent limits on types of media and time spent on each type. It is very important to make sure that screen time does not take the place of adequate sleep, physical activity, face-to-face interaction, healthy meals and snacks, and other behaviors essential to good health.  

AAP recommends designated media-free family times, such as dinner, and media-free locations at home, such as bedrooms.  Parents must monitor children’s online behavior, and it is important to talk with children about online safety and treating all people with respect online and in person. 

Lauren Hale. a sleep researcher at Stony Brook University in New York, sums up her findings from over a decade of research: “As kids and adults watch or use screens, with light shining in their eyes and close to their faces, bedtime gets delayed. It takes longer to fall asleep, sleep quality is reduced and total sleep time is decreased.”   She learned that this happens especially to people who look at screens in the hour before going to sleep because of the effects of the light from the screens on brains.  She recommends and strictly enforces two rules for her two children: No screens in the hour before bed, no screens in the bedroom and no screens as part of the bedtime routine. 

It is important for parents to be parents and to make decisions for nurturing the health and safety of their children.  Parents set the limits that are important for their children’s well-being, listen to what their children say about their needs, and together set up rules that help children stay safe and alert.  Parents may need to help their children decide what is most important and choose priorities, so they can fit activities they like into their schedules. 

Mediation Services of Adams County (MSAC) Fall Mediation Training is coming November 9, 10, 16, 17!  To get more information contact MSAC:  call 717-334-7312, email mediationac@yahoo.com, or visit our website:  http://mediateadams.org.  Learn about our economical fees based on income or schedule a mediation for help creatively resolving conflicts with family members, neighbors, landlords, etc. 

 

CARING FOR THE CAREGIVER

 By Bob Smith

The January 2016 issue of Kiplinger’s Personal Finance discusses the cost of caregiving to family members.  Caregiving often falls on one family member.  The National Alliance for Caregiving, as well as AARP, contends that during a recent 12-month period, more than 43 million adults provided caregiving services to family or friends.  The article cites a Rand Corporation report that, nationally,“ the annual value of unpaid caregiving just for the elderly at $522 billion.”

The article goes on to cite a MetLife study that puts the total cost for a caregiver over the time that caregiving is provided at over $324,000, consisting of lost wages ($143,000), lost Social Security benefits ($131,000) and reduced pension benefits ($50,000).  While it is difficult to put a monetary value on the well-being of a loved one no longer able to live independently, it does put into perspective the sacrifice of the caregiver and the monetary, physical and emotional well-being their caregiving extracts.  Going it alone can cause anxiety and resentment. But it doesn’t have to be an individual effort.

The Kiplinger’s article suggests that when the prospect of an extended caregiving situation arises, it is a good idea to hold  a family meeting.  One of the suggestions offered is to have a mediator present to lead the discussion.   A mediator, as an objective and neutral facilitator, can lead the discussion through difficult and sometimes sensitive topics such as the level of care needed, the associated costs, how the costs and the caregiving tasks are to be allocated among the family and possible assistance that may be provided by outside agencies.  The optimal result is that the caregiving for the loved one(s) is provided and the caregiver is supported.

While such caregiving is widespread, it is by no means the only challenge with which families or individuals deal today.  Conflicts can develop between roommates in dividing tasks, between a landlord and a tenant, between neighbors over noise or pets, between co-workers in a business or government environment, between family members over the division of a deceased relative’s assets, or when a relationship is broken. These are examples of when Mediation Services of Adams County (MSAC) can help to bring a fair, realistic and peaceful resolution to a minor conflict before it escalates into a major conflict.

Mediation can be used when the parties in a dispute agree to work together with a trained mediator to find a solution, such as suggested in the Kiplinger’s articles discussed above.  However, perhaps one party in the dispute is not willing to consider mediation.  If so, Conflict Coaching, another service provided by MSAC, can be used.  The conflict coach will listen to her client to discern his needs, issues, and concerns.  The conflict coach will guide her client in discerning the absent disputant’s needs, issues, and concerns.  Options can then be explored to develop the next step.

MSAC provides dispute resolution services that are affordable, on a sliding scale according to income with rates beginning at $10 and increasing to $50 per session.  To speak with an intake coordinator, call 717-334-7312or contact MSAC by email at mediationac@yahoo.com.

CONSIDER FACILITATED DISCUSSION

By Janet M. Powers

Mediators are good at them.  We’re trained to lead two conflicting parties toward common ground and eventual solutions that please both sides.  But sometimes a full mediation is not needed.  Sometimes people who disagree on major issues just need help in talking about those issues to move forward.  They might be stuck on one point and unable to see beyond it.  Or they might need help in exploring alternatives other than the obvious ones.

Mediation Services of Adams County is now adding Facilitated Discussion to its list of available services. We’re doing so because we came to the conclusion that it’s a skill that is fast disappearing as more and more of us spend time on social media rather than in face-to-face conversation.  We’ve also had several occasions to provide facilitated discussions for situations that didn’t seem quite right for mediation but needed the sort of guided discussion skills that mediators provide. Recently, we’ve helped several families resolve thorny problems that at first seemed insoluble.

Often it is more than two people who need this sort of help, usually a group of some kind: a church congregation, a family, a club or a municipality.  Usually the group is split over one or more issues and unable to proceed.  Sometimes there are harsh words, a lot of interrupting and too much yelling.  If this description fits a group that you are part of, you might want to consider calling in a mediator for Facilitated Discussion.  Prolonged wrangling can be hurtful to any group.

Unfortunately, we don’t have good role models these days for civil conversation.  Just by turning on the TV or attending a meeting of a local governing body, we can watch people acting out irresponsibly.  Many talk show hosts and political debate moderators don’t seem to be able to calm down confusion when opposing viewpoints are being aired.  Mediators, however, always set ground rules and require participants to adhere to them by signing contracts.

Mediators are also expert listeners.  They can pick up suggestions or thinly veiled offers that may be lost in the general scramble for the speaker’s floor.  Mediators are also trained to turn what they hear into strategic questions or summary statements.  These comments can enable a group engaged in bitter arguments to begin negotiating with each other in a healthy way.   A good discussion leader is a godsend, but if you don’t happen to have one in your group, then perhaps calling in a mediator is the right answer.

Low-cost fees for Facilitated Discussion are similar to those which MSAC charges for Mediation and Conflict Coaching, based on a sliding income scale ranging from $5 to $50 per 2 to 3-hour session.  Why does it cost so little? The object is to make these services readily available for those on limited budgets. For more information about the various services offered by Mediation Services of Adams County, consult our website: www.mediateadams.org  or call our Help Line at 717-334-7312.

A TRUE STORY: ELDER MEDIATION

By Janet M. Powers

The adult children were at their wits’ end.  Their aging mother was a generous soul, and when anyone phoned seeking funds for charity or a non-profit organization, she willingly agreed.  Money that might be needed for medical care or future move to a nursing home was flowing too easily from her bank account.  Her children wanted to put a block on her phone that would allow only designated callers to get through.  But she wouldn’t hear of it.  What to do?

A friend suggested that they contact Mediation Services of Adams County to see whether a mediator could help the family solve this problem.  Because it was an elder mediation, it took place in the family home.  And unlike mediations involving property settlement or custody issues (requiring two disputants and two mediators), this mediation involved a single mediator and a large number of family members.   Also significant was the fact that the mediator too was a senior citizen.

When a mediator knowledgeable about elder issues is on the family scene, it is often easier to tackle the big questions and help to steer discussion toward a win-win situation.  In this case, the mediator was able to identify with the problem of fund-raising calls and to encourage both parties to look for a way to lessen the number of calls.  After much discussion, the mother eventually agreed to accept the solution that her children had proposed and the problem was resolved.

Often, the presence of a neutral third party is enough to calm the conflict and bring about productive discussion. What did the mediator do that the children were unable to do? For one thing, mediators are trained to reframe a conflict, to put the comments of both sides into language that is less likely to raise hackles.  In this case, the mother also saw the mediator as someone her own age, someone who was an ally, unlike her children who seemed like adversaries.  Even though the mediator was neutral, she was perceived as someone who understood the senior citizen’s point of view.

Mediation, based on a sliding income scale, is an inexpensive way to solve family conflicts. For $10 – $50 per party, a 2- to 3-hour mediation can take place. Even more important for family, there are no winners or losers in mediation.  Rather, the goal is a solution that is agreeable to everyone concerned.  All parties go away satisfied, which makes for continued good relationships.  Possible alternatives, letting the problem fester or going the expensive legal route, may lead to just the opposite: an ongoing family feud.

Senior citizens are sometimes perceived by their adult children as stubborn and unwilling to do the reasonable thing, such as downsizing or moving to a retirement community. An elderly relative may feel overwhelmed by children ganging up on him/her. But the elder outlook, feeling vulnerable or fearing change, gets full attention in mediation when the mediator insists on hearing both sides of an issue.  Being heard and respected is often the key to resolution of conflict, and a mediator can make that happen.

For more information, call 717-334-3712 or check out the MSAC website: www.mediateadams.org   Leave an e-mail for the MSAC Intake Coordinator at mediationac@yahoo.com

Janet M. Powers is an MSAC Board Member and Professor Emerita at Gettysburg College.

WHETHER YOU SHOULD CONSIDER MEDIATION

By Janet M. Powers

Not everyone makes a good candidate for mediation.  For one thing, you need to be willing to sit down with your adversary in the company of a third party to talk through the issues.  That means you can’t be so angry that you’re out to “get” the other party or speak in such a way that nothing but nastiness comes out of your mouth. If you are unable to talk in a civil way without constantly interrupting, it won’t work.  In a nutshell, angry people don’t make good candidates for mediation.

For another thing, you need to want sincerely to bring the issue to a peaceful conclusion.  Perhaps the problem has been going on for a long time, and you feel things need to be settled, finally.  Or perhaps something is coming apart – a relationship, a marriage, a business contract – but you don’t want everything to end in pain.  If you are someone who cares about the future and other people in this way, you’ll have success with the mediation process.

Finally, you need to be open to new information from the other party and up front with your own.  You will have the opportunity to tell your story in detail and to explain how you have been wronged and what you would like to see happen next.  At the same time, you will need to be able to listen to what the other party is saying and to modify your demands if unexpected information should surface.  If you think you’re the kind of person who is able to listen and help find solutions, you are a good candidate for mediation.

But what if you are the right person to try mediation, but you’re not sure about the other party? Several possibilities are still available through Mediation Services of Adams County.  When you dial our help line 717-334-7312, our Intake Coordinator will listen to your concerns.  It is then our responsibility to contact the other party to see whether in fact he/she would be willing to try mediation.  Contact can be made by telephone, e-mail or letter to invite disputants to the mediation table.

If the other party refuses outright to participate in mediation, you can meet with one of MSAC’s trained conflict coaches to explore possible solutions to the problem.  A conflict coach can help you examine the pros and cons of hiring a lawyer, pressing charges with a district magistrate, continuing on with the status quo, or taking other steps to help resolve the issue.  Helping you to find a low-cost way forward, one that you are comfortable with, is the goal of the conflict coach.

The important idea to hang on to is that inexpensive help is available on a sliding scale for citizens who have a sincere desire to resolve disputes without anger, hurt or dishonesty.  It’s no secret that what makes mediation so special is the people who opt for it!

You can find out more about MSAC on our website:  www.mediateadams.org

WHAT CAN ONE PERSON ALONE DO TO IMPROVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH CONFLICT?

If a person gets caught in a conflict in which the other disputant refuses to discuss issues, minimal interaction may be adequate in a casual friendship. However, in a close relationship, the lack of honest sharing because of underlying discord can make life difficult. So what can one do in such a dilemma?

 

Harriet Lerner, who has a PhD. in psychology, wrote Why Won’t You Apologize? Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts and other books about relationships. She suggests that apologizing may help restore the relationship. It may be embarrassing to make an apology, for example, if a person forgot to return something borrowed. A reminder from the owner months later would likely at least bring return of the borrowed item; however, it is better to take responsibility for behavior, admit to being inconsiderate, and speak or write an apology for any inconvenience.

 

Usually one sincere apology is enough for a misstep, and overapologizing, saying “I’m sorry” repeatedly, can be irritating and disruptive to relationships. A person might accidently break or stain something, and feel that all is well if the “I”m sorry” is met with “No problem.” In this case it would be better to also offer to pay to clean, repair, or replace the item.

 

It may be tempting to say, “I’m sorry, but it’s hard for me to resist correcting inaccurate statements,” or “I’m sorry you feel that way.” It would be better to be accountable for the action or words and say, “I was out of line with that …., and it will not happen again.” It is necessary to follow through on that to maintain the relationship .

 

It is important to remember that you can control only your reactions and feelings, not those of anyone else. Being late for an event important to a someone close to you and saying “I’m sorry; please forgive me” puts additional burden on the person who was hurt. It would be better to acknowledge that the anger is reasonable and realize that patience may be needed to repair the relationship.

A major betrayal, as in a marriage, would require much more than a simple “I’m sorry.” It would be necessary for the one who neglected the promises to listen with an open heart as the injured person expresses the pain and effects of the deception, and to be willing to share that pain and accept consequences in order to heal the relationship.

 

When someone offers an apology, the best way to accept it is to say, “Thank you for the apology.” If feeling hurt, it would be better to just accept the apology then and possibly talk about the hurt later.

Another way to deal with a resistant disputant is to use Conflict Coaching, a service provided by Mediation Services of Adams County (MSAC). The person explains the conflict to the Conflict Coach, who listens and helps the person find ways to work with the adversary and deal with uneasy feelings.

 

Contact MSAC: call 717-334-7312, email mediationac@yahoo.com, and website http://mediateadams.org. to learn more about mediation or training, or to schedule a mediation for help resolving conflicts with family members, neighbors, contractors, landlords, etc. for an economical fee based on income. Mary Kay Turner is a retired teacher, who is also a trainer, mediator, and board member for MSAC.

THRESHOLD

By Reverend Lynn Cairns

Today we generally think of a threshold as an opening or a doorway. Earlier use of the word referred to a lip of wood or stone that held the threshed grain in its storage place. I recall them from the granary in the barn from my childhood farm. I had to step or stumble across it into the storage space. You could trip over it and have a Humpty Dumpty fall.

In a similar way, we can face many “threshold experiences” in life and struggle to cross over them successfully into a new venture or challenge. This can often happen when we face a transition or crisis in our families. Such was my family’s situation as our ninety-seven-year-old mother fell and broke her hip requiring surgery, rehabilitation and then moving permanently to an assisted living facility. This meant dividing and donating nearly two-thirds of her earthly belongings. My siblings and I had quite a time arguing and debating about who would get the conch shell that had been in the family for several generations. “I played with it most often as a child”, said I. “Yes, but Mom let me take it to bed and listen to the sea sounds so I could get to sleep, so I should have it as it is comforting to me.” Said my sister. “And about that mirror, it fits with the dresser she gave me.“ “Yes, but while in high school I used it to dress and look in the mirror to brush my hair every day so I should have it as you have the dresser.”

And thus the arguments can go and become rather divisive.   I am happy to say that the above was fabricated and we had no such disagreements in handling the shell or mirror, but that is not often the case in the distribution of family treasures. When faced with very difficult decisions that affect a loved one and call for a meeting of the minds, there can be conflict and disagreement over important and serious decisions.

This is where Adams County Mediation Services can be of assistance. We provide trained mediators to meet with parties who have disagreements over varied issues that might concern you in the workplace, with neighbors, and even among family members. If the party who is at odds with you will not agree to meet with mediators, we also provide conflict coaching to guide you through the situation.

If you find yourself at such a Threshold and would like to avail yourself of such services, call 717-334-7312 and leave a message for the Mediation Services Intake Coordinator. MSAC will give a call back with more information and schedule an appointment with all parties concerned. Moderate fees, based on a sliding income scale, are charged at the time of mediation. Contact is available online at mediationac@yahoo.com or http://www.mediateadams.org

RESOLVING CONFLICT TO CREATE BETTER RELATIONSHIPS

By Mary Kay Turner

Conflict is a normal, necessary and natural part of life. It is uncomfortable for all the people in conflict and often for other close friends as well. Conflict presents two possibilities: opportunity for amazing growth in the relationship as well as possibility for additional problems. The challenge is to learn how to creatively work through the conflict to improve the relationship. Conflict is often more difficult to deal with when the disputant or opponent in the situation is a relative or good friend about whom one cares deeply. To keep the big picture of the relationship in view I will use “friend” when talking about the other person in the conflict.

It would be good to agree at the beginning of the conversation that both friends will work on the issue at hand and speak respectfully and honestly with each other. Paul Tillich said, “The first duty of love is to listen.” The most important task in a conflict situation is to listen to the friend, to learn and understand how s/he is feeling and is affected by what has happened. This can be difficult, as people tend to be ready to defend themselves when they have been hurt.

In talking with this friend it is important to use I-messages, which is saying how the situation affects you, rather than you-messages, which seem to come naturally, and tend to accuse or blame the friend, as in “You made me….” A good way to deal with this is to honestly tell the friend that certain words or actions were hurtful. It is essential to be ready to listen to the answer openly, willing to accept some criticism the friend may share.

A step that may be hard is to accept responsibility for your role in the cause for the conflict. In constructively dealing with the situation it is good to do everything you can to fix the source of the conflict. In an example of an item that was broken, this could include paying for, or sharing the cost, to fix or replace it.

Conflict often causes a break in the relationship, and that can be resolved with both friends accepting responsibility for words and deeds, then agreeing to share action to come back together. One priority to repair the relationship is to apologize for anything you may have done to cause the problem. Other steps might be to request forgiveness for any fault on your part and to offer forgiveness for any error by the friend.

Mediation Services of Adams County is available if you need help with this. MSAC wishes you a fulfilling year in 2017, full of love and peace, creating constructive resolution for all your conflicts.

Mediation Services of Adams County will present a 22-hour Mediation Training Friday/Saturday, March 24-25, and 31-April 1. For more information, please contact MSAC: phone 717-334-7312, email mediationac@yahoo.com, and website http://mediateadams.org. Find information about communication seminars we present and trained mediators available to help people resolve complicated conflicts with family members, neighbors, contractors, landlords, etc. for an economical fee based on income.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN RESPECT GOES AWAY?

By Mary Kay Turner

Respect and good communication, which includes listening as well as talking, are essential in healthy relationships. Fear, hate and anger are obstacles to healthy relationships and good communication. Bullying happens when one person or group shows disrespect or contempt for another person or group. Bullies speak, but they do not listen to or value other people.

Does bullying happen on a national scale? We all know that this primary season has been much different from anything before, as some people in the news have displayed disrespect and contempt for other people. We have heard name-calling, threats, talk of building a wall, deporting people, and banning people of certain cultures from entering the country.

The Southern Poverty Law Center’s Teaching Tolerance program provides curriculum materials to teach students about different groups of people. This knowledge helps students understand students who are different from them and learn to treat all students with respect.

In March 2016 Teaching Tolerance in a voluntary survey asked teachers, observing before and after the presidential campaign began, if they agreed with statements about increases in 1) anti-immigrant sentiment, 2) anti-Muslim sentiment, 3) uncivil political discourse at their schools, and 4) concerns by students about what might happen to them after the election. Responses here are from the publication “Teaching the 2016 Election” by Maureen B. Costello.

About 2,000 K-12 teachers across the country responded to questions about the effects of the rhetoric of the campaign on their students. More than 2/3 of the teachers reported that many students of color have expressed concerns about what might happen to them and their families after the election. More than 1/2 have seen an increase in uncivil political speech. Teachers are troubled by use of half-truths and lies in speeches. Passion for candidates and loss of rationality in discussions concern them. More than 1/3 have seen an increase in anti-immigrant and anti-Muslim incidents. Students are calling other students names, even the n-word. Students have told teachers that name-calling and “trash talk” aren’t bullying, just “telling it like it is.” Teachers report that gains from years of anti-bullying work have declined in a few months.

Educators reported: A kindergarten student fearfully asks every day if the wall is here yet. Young students wonder why people can hate them without even knowing them. One teacher in a diverse school wrote that her students feel that America hates them. Students are confused by seeing that certain campaigns are allowed to encourage racism, violence, anger and hate. Many teachers wrote, “It breaks my heart.”

Students are scared, dejected, and hurt. Some African-American middle school students fear for their safety after seeing Trump rallies on the news. Students fear that they will be deported and that other students hate them. In Ferguson, MO, 90% of the students are African-American, and some students wonder if all white people truly think what they are hearing.

What does it say to us and our students when some candidates and people campaigning display behavior that is not even acceptable for students in elementary schools? Where is the respect?

A TIME FOR THANKSGIVING

November is traditionally the month associated with being thankful. As families and friends join together on Thanksgiving, we still have much to be thankful for here in America. We have freedoms and rights and many advantages that people in other nations only dream about.   Many people in other lands do not have freedom of religion or the right to vote, let alone basic necessities such as food, clean water, and shelter.

While ours is not a perfect country, we do have systems in place to help those in need. In our own community, we have organizations such as Gettysburg Help, South Central Community Action Program (SCCAP), the Soup Kitchen, Ruth’s Harvest, and the Rescue Mission to help those in need. As members of the community, it rests on each of us who are more fortunate to lend a hand. And lend a hand, we do. One of the things I noticed when I moved to this area 2 ½ years ago is that the people of Adams County step up and help their fellow citizens by supporting any number of community organizations, supporting food drives and by volunteering. Another great example of support is the annual Giving Spree to be held on November 15th from 4-6:30PM at the Gettysburg Middle School. The Giving Spree offers each of us an opportunity to contribute to one of the many service organizations within Adams County.

However, holidays, even Thanksgiving, are often accompanied by stress. One way I have found to reduce stress associated with holidays is to write something I am thankful for each day. We can begin by being thankful for our faith, families, friends, our job, a good lunch, time spent with a friend, or just happy the sun is shining. Another way to express our thankfulness and improve relationships is to write something we are thankful for about a person or persons with whom we may have a strained relationship. Writing positive things about another person will help to lift our own spirits during the stressful times. Even if the only thing you think of at first is “I am thankful that Sally is organized” or “I am thankful that Pete always comes in on time”, it is a beginning. You will be surprised how much happier you will be doing these exercises each day. To add to our general well-being, we might want to follow Melchor Lim’s advice – “Talk about your blessings more than you talk about your problems”.

Stress during the holidays often leads to family conflict. If we are unable to resolve the conflict on our own, there are low cost resources available to help us. Mediation Services of Adams County (MSAC) offers mediation, conflict coaching, anti-bullying and mediation training to assist members of our community. Don’t let holiday stress and conflict get you down. Look no further than MSAC as a resource to help you get through a conflict so you can fully enjoy your holidays.

Elly Cleaver is a retired Alternative Dispute Resolution Specialist, trainer, mediator, and a board member of Mediation Services of Adams County (MSAC). If you would like more information about mediation and other services available, please contact Mediation Services of Adams County, 717-334-7312, mediationac@yahoo.com on line, or check out the website, http://www.mediateadams.org.