Time to Build Your Conflict Skills
Conflict can bring the best of us to our knees. Rarely do we find someone who enjoys conflict when the subject or person matters to them. However, if we are to remain mentally heathy and effective in our daily lives, we must build our conflict resolution skills and tackle tough conversations head on. It’s time for the new year, new outlooks, new you; new resolutions, but these are useless if the resolutions don’t become skills.
An extremely important skill in conflict resolution is to listen with the intention to understand, not planning a response in your head. There are many ways to develop your listening skills. Perhaps, when someone else is talking, rather than thinking of your response, you may ask yourself questions such as: “Why are they bringing this up?”, “How are they feeling about this issue?”, “Can anything I say be positive and helpful?” People are more apt to listen to you, if you listen to them with concern, understanding, humility and a willingness to learn. If we listen to each other, unmitigated conflict is less likely to occur.
What does this look like? For instance, perhaps your neighbor starts ranting about garbage along the fence line. You could zone out, wait your turn to blast back about how you don’t control the wind, or you could listen and find out that maybe their dog ingests the garbage and gets sick. Suddenly, you are full of compassion for their dog and decide that maybe you can do a better job with the wind-blown trash, rather than just being annoyed that your neighbor is so persnickety. When we listen for intention other people feel heard and it helps to resolve conflict before it gets a foot hold. The conversation may go much more smoothly with some understanding and not just reacting.
What would happen if we looked at each other’s differences as an opportunity for better understanding and applaud our collective individuality? That means you and I both get to be who we are, not just a mishmash of what we think we are supposed to be. The idea can be exciting, freeing and can lead to fewer conflicts.
It does take some prep work to build this skill. Think about this idea for a bit. Does the idea of individuality raise your blood pressure? Do you only want to be around people who are on your side of issues? Think about conflicts you had in the past. Were they based on other people having their own ideas that were in opposition to your own? You build your skill here by thinking back and asking yourself some tough questions and seeking honest answers. Start with “Who don’t I like to be around, and why?” Find some commonality and then ask yourself “Can I do a better job dealing with people?”
These are just a couple of conflict resolution skill building ideas. I am sure you have your own and I’d love to hear them.
Mediation Services of Adams County (MSAC) has trained mediators available to help you work through strained family relationships, neighbor disputes, or other conflicts for an economical fee based on income. If you would like more information about Mediation, please contact Mediation Services of Adams County, 717-334-7312, P.O. Box 4113, Gettysburg, PA 17325,on line at mediationac@yahoo.com , or check out our website, http: //www.mediateadams.org.
Patti Robinson is a trained and experienced mediator and serves on the board of Mediation Services of Adams County.